Following on from listing six of my favourite British sitcom episodes recently, I thought I’d have a bit of fun venting about some of the most irritating characters I have witnessed on film or TV screen. I mean did the writers intend for them to be annoying pricks or was it the actor or direction or performance or all of the above? Anyway, whatever the weather, its great fun kicking the boot into these annoying arseholes!
**SPOILERS AHEAD**
ALL THE KIDS (EXCEPT CHARLIE) – WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (1971)
I’ll ignore the Tim Burton version of this story and concentrate on the original adaptation of Roald Dahl’s classic morality adventure. If you don’t know the story a reclusive sweet-maker lures kids to his factory on the promise of a “golden ticket” competition win. There’s Teutonic glutton Augustus Gloop; weirdo TV addict Mike Teevee; demanding, harpy-bitch Veruca Salt, upper-class, gum-maniac Violet Beauregarde and finally humble Charlie Bucket. Each kid, Charlie aside, is a spoilt bastard and each satisfactorily gets their just desserts, as Dahl’s fantasy punishes the rich and greedy ones to maximum audience delight.
FERGEE – JUDGE DREDD (1995)
I could basically include ANY character portrayed by Rob Schneider but I reserve special hatred for this monstrosity. I mean the film Judge Dredd was pretty bad, however, the action and design were bearable and Stallone – despite removing the protective mask – was kind of okay. YET the tone of the film was all over the shop! None more so than when acting cyst Rob Schneider pops up as an unofficial comedy sidekick for Dredd. Yeah – like that was a staple of the cynical, dystopian and violent world the 2000AD comic was known for right! No, I didn’t think so! Morons!
JAR JAR BINKS – STAR WARS: PHANTOM MENACE etc. (1999)
Jar Jar, let’s face it, is an obvious choice but he is a complete cunt! The worst crime is, as the comic relief, he is NOT funny!! Moreover, his accent is unintelligible and he suffers from looking completely stupid. The Phantom Menace (1999), while having some fantastic actors (Liam Neeson, Natalie Portman and Ewan McGregor), great action and superior baddie in Darth Maul, was let down by plodding plot, soggy politics and dreadful dialogue. Yet, Jar Jar Binks was the rancid cherry on top of a rotten cake. Not only that his character was also portrayed in an abominably stereotypical fashion seeming to echo the racist early-Hollywood representations of black characters that were seen as un-heroic, dumb and figures of scorn or fun.
JOFFREY BARATHEON – GAME OF THRONES (2011 – 2014)
The prostitute-murdering-Sean-Bean-killing-bullying-maniac-twat was clearly intended to be the pantomime villain we loved to hate from the start. But, like Malfoy from Harry Potter his character and the slimy performance from Jack Gleeson, he, for me eventually became a character I just hated without any enjoyment. I mean, I know he was sadistic in his treatment of Sansa Stark and mocking of Tyrion but he was also a bottle-job when it came to battle, perfectly encapsulating the worst kind of royal family traits. Moreover, Gleeson’s soulless face, clipped speech and acting on its’ own made me want to drag him out of the television and strangle him. Of course, Joffrey would eventually get poisoned at his own wedding and much joy was had from his demise from pretty much everyone who has ever watched the show.
RUBY RHOD – THE 5th ELEMENT
Luc Besson’s imaginative and colourful sci-fi-action epic had much to enjoy, notably: the performances of Milla Jovovich’s innocent alien, Bruce Willis’ cynical taxi driver and Gary Oldman’s terrific pantomime space villain. The action comes thick and fast and the production is a joy to watch. However, just over halfway through Chris Tucker’s performance of media whore Ruby Rhod takes a massive shit on the film; one it almost never recovers from. I mean, he’s loud, high-pitched, ridiculously dressed and THINKS HE’S FUNNY! What was Besson thinking – who knows!? Even in an over-the-top-colour-clashed-sci-fi-action-romance-extravaganza Ruby Rhod was a stain and travesty of a character!
WHITNEY SOLLOWAY – THE AFFAIR (2014 – )
Clearly this spoilt upper-middle-class New York teenager was intended by the writers to be a right royal pain in the arse. She throws sweet-sixteen tantrums of the highest order throughout and her nasally high-pitched voice grated me so much that I actually stopped watching the show during the second season. While the actress Julia Goldani Telles performance is excellent, the character was just too manipulative and psychotic to ever get my sympathy. Even amidst a whole host of privileged, narcissistic first-worlders Whitney Solloway took the biscuit and in the end I hated her so much I wished she’d been killed to death!
“After the Lord Mayor’s show comes the shit-cart”, is a phrase I heard a lot in my childhood and following the golden month of January, where I watched a plethora of incredible films, February has dropped off slightly in terms of quality. Indeed, I have watched some right rubbish but there have been some diamonds in the rough. So, as per last month I’ve reviewed in depth my favourite films, mentioned some other stuff worth watching and derided the rest I didn’t think much of. As usual all films and shows marked out of eleven.
**MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS**
FILMS OF THE MONTH!
BARRY LYNDON (1975) – CINEMA
Due to his incredible filmic CV, this stunning Oscar-winning period film from Stanley Kubrik is often overlooked as a classic. However, it is a terrific romp through the life and times of our anti-hero portrayed by the bland yet watchable movie star Ryan O’Neal. Adapted from Thackeray’s 19th century novel it concerns Redmond Barry and his rather haphazard misadventures as he leaves his Irish village and falls both fair and foul to fate’s twisted plan.
Every single frame of this film is a joy to behold and the cinematography deservedly won an Oscar. Thematically the film is very strong too as Kubrik uses Barry as a cipher to highlight the horrors of war and to also critique the ostentatious behaviour of the upper classes. Structurally and tonally spilt in two the film begins as a set of humorous sketches before giving way to a darker and tragic feel in the second half. The film is a thing of beauty to watch as Kubrik once again raises filmmaking to the echelons of high art. (Mark: 10 out of 11)
DEADPOOL (2016) – CINEMA
DEADPOOL’s a funny, sexy, irreverent, violent, meta-textual Marvel adaptation which differentiates from the standard comic-book movies in many ways while reinforcing the usual hero-saves-damsel-in-distress-Phantom-of-the-Opera-origins-story. A witty script and Ryan Reynolds stand out amidst the carnage and finally we have a Marvel film with a bit of blood and guts. Reminded me slightly of a funnier DARK MAN; a film which remains one of my favourite anti/super-hero films.
I’d say the box office success is deserved while the hype is probably a bit over-the-top as the politically incorrect film does go out of its way to keep you on Wade Wilson’s side and not make him totally unlikeable. Moreover, the script, while traditional in structure and Reynolds delivery are just sparkling as we get gag after gag after gag at the expense of everyone and everything, most notably the Marvel universe itself. Like Netflix’s Daredevil it breathes new life into the saturated superhero market.(Mark: 8.5 out of 11)
FARGO (1996) – NETFLIX
The Coen Brothers take on the kidnapping-police-procedural thriller film is memorable because it turns the genre on its head with a dark, funny and human story both stylish and gut-wrenching in equal measures. I mean, the killers are revealed immediately and Police Chief Marge Gunderson (wonderful Frances McDormand) solves the case quickly too. This allows the Coens to concentrate on off-beat characterisations and twist the narrative in any direction they so desire. It’s bloody, funny and moral with memorable characters that stick in the heart and mind. Seen this film so many times and it improves like a fine wine; a true classic.(Mark: 11 out of 11)
MAKING A MURDERER (2015) – NETFLIX
I watched Netflix’s Making a Murderer and throughout I was hoping it was a brilliantly written courtroom drama series directed in the documentary style. But IT’S actually REAL LIFE EVENTS! It’s a ten-part documentary which concerns a number of high-profile court cases which took place in Manitowoc County, Wisconsin. The filmmakers Laura Ricciardi and Moira Demos deserve incredible praise for their painstaking work in bringing the cases of Steven Avery and Brendan Dassey to the screen because based on their film an incredible miscarriage of justice may have occurred.
It is as thrilling and suspenseful as anything Hitchcock created as the trials and tribulations of these men and their families are thrust before us. The behaviour of law enforcement is called into question time and time again and the documentary stands as both an indictment on the United States legal system as well as being a gripping thriller. I won’t say anymore for fear of spoilers but WATCH THIS SHOW for an incredibly designed “TRUE” story. It has to be seen to be believed, and whether the defendants are guilty or not, this saga re-writes the meaning of “beyond a reasonable doubt!”(Mark: 9.5 out of 11)
PREDESTINATION (2014) – NOW TV
One of my films of 2015 I have now seen it twice and it is like a snake-charmer; I just cannot help but fall for its twisted, hypnotic and serpentine narrative. In my original review a year ago I wrote:
“It may completely fall apart on subsequent viewings but for the running time it offered a lot more than many other star-driven, big-budget movies. . .”
However, I can safely say this brilliant cult time-travel movie based on a classic Heinlein short story called All You Zombies gets better with further viewing and stands up on further inspection. I’m still scratching my head at how it all fits together, but that is part of the pleasure too.(Mark: 9.5 out of 11)
WORTH A WATCH!
BANANAS (1971) – NETFLIX
Early Woody Allen film which pokes fun at his nebbish persona, failure with women, Marxist revolutions and United States foreign policy, all in a brisk eight-four minute machine-gun-sketch style. (Mark: 7.5 out of 11)
BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP (2014) – AMAZON PRIME
Moody amnesiac chamber thriller with Nicole Kidman, Mark Strong and Colin Firth delivering an initially intriguing suspense-filled piece but lacks a killer punch ultimately. (Mark: 6 out of 11)
CHEF (2014) – NETFLIX
This is a proper feel-good film about a shit-hot chef who attempts to reignite a once-hot career gone cold. Jon Favreau writes and directs and casts his mates like Scarlett Johansson, Robert Downey Jnr and others in a fun, tasty, attractive, mouth-watering treat. (Mark: 7.5 out of 11)
DAWG FIGHT (2015) (NETFLIX)
Set in Perrine, Florida, this is a bloody slice-of-life documentary about backyard, bare-knuckle fighting between underclass males looking to get into the UFC big leagues. Featuring some brutal fights it’s a sad indictment of humanity and not for the faint-hearted. (Mark: 6.5 out of 11)
DEFIANCE (2008) – NETFLIX
Excellent wartime drama inspired by the true story of the Belarussian Jewish brothers called the Bieskis, who fought back against the Nazis while saving thousands of lives too. Gripping and suspenseful it’s anchored by the excellent Daniel Craig and well-orchestrated battle scenes. (Mark: 8 out of 11)
LIFE ON MARS – SEASON 1 (2006) – NETFLIX
I missed this cracking time-warped TV show the first time round as Sam Tyler (John Simm) is thrown back to the 1970s and faced with a battle to get back to “reality”. Temporal, cultural and socio-political clashes are abound between Tyler and his new boss Gene Hunt (Philip Glenister) as Sam solves cases in the past while trying to stay alive in the present. Cracking cop show! (Mark: 9 out of 11)
MUNICH (2005) – NETFLIX
I appreciated this superlative Spielberg revenge thriller more the second time round as it really questions the nature of vengeance and the damaging impact on all those involved. The story focusses on Mossad’s hit squad and its mission to wipe out Palestinian “generals” responsible for planning the Munich Olympics massacre in 1972. Eric Bana, Ciaran Hinds and Daniel Craig are impressive in their respective roles and arguably this is Spielberg’s most complex and ambiguous directorial effort. It’s a must-see political thriller with many heart-pounding urban battle scenes. (Mark: 8.5 out of 11)
ROME – SEASON 2 (2007) – NETFLIX
After the bloody denouement of Season 1, Rome provided once again some gripping and devious drama following the aftermath of Julius Caesar’s backstabbing murder. Fantastic cast including Kevin McKidd, Polly Walker and James Purefoy tear up the scenery in a most entertaining history lesson. (Mark: 8.5 out of 11)
TRUMBO (2015) – CINEMA
Bryan Cranston is brilliant as black-listed screenwriter Dalton Trumbo who having served time for being a Communist found himself unable to work in Hollywood during the 50s and 60s. Ingeniously he worked under the radar gaining notoriety and secret acclaim and this film, while dramatically undercooked in places, stands as a fine tribute to a superb writer. (Mark: 7.5 out of 11)
AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!
EXIST (2014) – NOW TV
Dreadful “found footage” film about some American morons being tracked and killed by a sasquatch. The monsters are pretty decent when you finally see them but the script and direction are awful. (Mark: 2 out of 11)
THE LAST FLIGHT (2009) – NETFLIX
This jumbled period drama set in between the 1st and 2nd World Wars finds Marion Cotillard’s pilot searching the desert for her lost love. Insipid and lacking focus, I was bored throughout in a film which pretty much crashes on take-off. (Mark: 2 out of 11)
LAST KNIGHTS (2015) – NOW TV
Clive Owen and Morgan Freeman cannot save this below average medieval jaunt which has some okay violence and dramatic moments but is far too serious and dull. (Mark: 3.5 out of 11)
LONG WAY DOWN (2014) – NETFLIX
So-so soapy suicide comedy-drama that is ultimately undemanding and under-nourished, but saved by an attractive cast including: Aaron Paul, Pierce Brosnan and Toni Collette. (Mark: 4 out of 11)
THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY (2014) – AMAZON PRIME
Ben Stiller stars in this insult to the original literary classic which reduces the fantasy elements to a mid-life-crisis-romance story involving the pursuit of a photograph and the meaning of life. It looks wonderful but is hollow and makes noises like a broken drum. (Mark: 4 out of 11)
REGRESSION (2015) – SKY MOVIES
Incredible to think Alejandro Amenabar directed this terrible horror/thriller which criminally wastes the talents of Ethan Hawke and David Thewlis in horribly under-baked occult story. (Mark: 3 out of 11)
WOMAN IN BLACK 2 (2014) – AMAZON PRIME
I thought the original was a nifty little horror film made with imagination, scares and respect for the horror genre. This WWII set film was a complete waste of time with weak story and scares. Avoid! (Mark: 3 out of 11)
SPECTRE (2015) is out in UK cinemas soon and I’m anything but original so I’ve listed my 7even favourite Bond films. Selections are in alpha-male order!
CASINO ROYALE (2006)
I can watch this film over and over again. Daniel Craig’s debut is a lean-mean fighting machine in a movie which begins with a quick stylish black and white opening and then moves onto his pursuit of cold-blooded banker Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen). Mikkelsen steals the acting plaudits from Craig as the reptilian poker player while Eva Green is a great foil too. In fact, Vesper Lynd is my favourite female Bond lead. Her character is no pushover and more than matches Bond verbally during their first meeting. Later in the story she saves his life and breaks his heart adding an emotional depth to their relationship. The gambling, double-crosses, parkouring, humour, hand-to-hand combat and explosive action all combine to make this a 007 classic.
FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE (1963)
Dr No (1962) established all the classic Bond tropes including: memorable opening guitar riff; iconic gun barrel scene; glamorous women and locations; spy plots; action and stunts; megalomaniac villains and henchmen and women. Indeed, From Russia With Love had TWO great baddies in Red Grant (Robert Shaw) and Rosa Klebb (Lotte Lenya). Klebb was a nasty piece of work while peroxide-blonde Robert Shaw was a muscular adversary for Bond and their claustrophobic fight on the train was brutal and full of suspense. Sean Connery really nailed the role of Bond as he did in the debut film. He sails through a complex plot dispatching enemy agents with unruffled hair, an insouciant glare and meaty hooks, as evil crime syndicate SPECTRE are foiled by Bond with formidable style and power.
GOLDENEYE (1995)
Pierce Brosnan is a very good Bond. He’s very much like IKEA; reliable, spacious, sort-of-attractive and open on Sundays. His debut effort is his best and has him going up against a dastardly double-agent and series of Russians hell-bent on starting World War III. The spectacular bungee-stunt opening is awesome and Famke Janssen is brilliant as thigh-crushing nemesis Xenia Onatopp, while Alan Cumming provides some laughs as a cowardly computer nerd. Of course, however, it’s the action that rules including self-destructing trains, stealth helicopters and Bond smashing a tank through KGB military headquarters in St Petersburg. What’s NOT to love about that?!
GOLDFINGER (1964)
Everything about Goldfinger is first rate. The cat-and-mouse plot twists between Bond and Goldfinger (Gert Frobe) who do battle over cards, golf and then during the devilish Fort Knox heist. It also features a cracking villain in Odd-Job who uses a murderous, metal hat to vanquish foes and a great Bond girl in the cheekily-named Pussy Galore (Honor Blackman). Last but not least we have one of the most iconic deaths of any character with Jill Masterson (Shirley Eaton) being suffocated by pure gold for her treachery.
Moreover, while there was an element of gadgetry in prior Bond movies such as flick-knife shoes, in Goldfinger the ingeniously designed Aston Martin was a school-boy’s wet dream. The car was pimped up with: ejector seat; bladed wheels; revolving number plates and missiles and became an iconic toy to own. Such awesome technology and the deathly gas and the lasers which almost kill Bond would become the kind of staple devices used throughout the franchise. Indeed, ‘Q’ played by Dennis Llewellyn would feature in nearly all the Bond films right through to the Brosnan era. Finally, this definitely has the GREATEST Bond theme song EVER! Probably!
LIVE AND LET DIE (1973)
It was a toss-up between this and The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) for my favourite Moore instalment. While his final films were a stain on the franchise where he was out-acted by his wig Moore provided a twinkle and humour to the role as well as those saintly looks. In Live and Let Die he comes up against the ridiculously named Mr Big and the film invokes the Blaxploitation archetypes and clichés of the day. Interestingly, Clint Eastwood was approached as a possible Bond before Moore got the role and Eastwood’s persona would certainly have matched the Harlem and New Orleans settings. I found Jane Seymour very intriguing as the “white witch” Solitaire and the voodoo and tarot themes lent themselves well to the drama. Live and Let Die has a cracking theme tune from Wings and is a fast-paced delight; with a move away from spy-games to more of a 70s-cop-show-crime-thriller-with-jokes-vibe.
THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS (1987)
Dalton was an under-rated Bond; a tough, serious man more akin to the Fleming vision. He only did two films but this is still one of my favourite stories as it feels like a proper thriller rather than a series of set-pieces and chases which, by-the-way, I don’t mind too. A globe-trotting Bond, as usual, smashes round the world to places such as Bratislava, Vienna and Afghanistan tracking blonde cellists, assassins, Soviet defectors, KGB villains and the general air of cold war espionage stuff make this a formidable story. It also has a great pop theme song from A-Ha and the poster is a genuine classic. Many of the recent Bond posters have been subdued and monochromatic but this one just bursts with fireworks and colour; much like the movie itself.
ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE (1969)
George Lazenby was the David Moyes of the Bond series inasmuch as he had an impossible job following an icon. He’s as wooden as a park bench but his physicality proves formidable in the hand-to-hand combat scenes and O.H.M.S.S is a cracking film with some great drama and a tragic romance. The opening sequence is full of smashing action and ended with a knowing one liner: “This never happened to the other guy!” Telly Savalas is a decent enough Blofeld but Peter Hunt and his directorial units steal the show with some wonderful chases especially in the snowy landscapes of Switzerland. It memorably has TWO theme tunes plus THAT ending where Bond suffers heartache; an especially brave scene to include in a populist franchise.
**THIS THING CONTAINS CLIPS, SPOILERS AND VAGUELY SATIRICAL SEXIST LANGUAGE**
It’s Valentines soon and being an unoriginal hack I started thinking about my favourite romantic movies. 30 seconds later I got bored so decided to write a different kind of list. So, if you want an alternative to the usual Valentines-clichéd-cosy-rose-petal-drenched-chocolate-card-Love-Actually-rip-off-Day – here you go!
Basically, it’s an excuse to list some great movies with elements of extreme love. And violence. And horror. My kind of cinema.
SIGHTSEERS (2012)
The perfect date movie. I promise. There’s romance, soul-searching and bloody murder. This is one of the best British films released in a long while. I hate it when writers say a movie is “something meets something” but this is like Mike Leigh’s Nuts in May meets Kalifornia, kind of. I hate myself for saying that. Just watch it.
SECRET IN THEIR EYES (2009)
This is one of the best films you haven’t seen. Or maybe you have. It rightly won the Best Foreign Film Oscar in 2010. It has so many great elements: a vicious murder mystery, obsessive pursuit, revenge, political espionage and a painfully touching love story at its’ heart.
AUDITION (1999)
As date-movies go this is a real screamer. What starts as one man’s attempt to find a wife via his own creepy version of the casting couch is turned into a violent proto-feminist-carve-up-par-excellence! I’ve dated a couple of nutters before but not like this. You won’t look at a hessian sack the same way again. Or cheese wire. Or open your eyes ever again after seeing this.
TEETH (2007)
Mixing comedy with coming-of-age movies this is a brilliant little horror film. A girl with Jaws in her vagina starts cutting men’s cocks off! Who said romance was dead eh? She did – that’s who!
IRREVERSIBLE (2002)
Just one of the most brutal and beautiful love stories ever told on film.
MISERY (1990)
I still think that if Annie Wilkes hadn’t been such a violent mentalist her and Paul Sheldon may have had a chance of romance. But she was and love for Kathy Bates and James Caan’s characters was not to be. Shame. Despite the torture they were such a lovely couple.
HAROLD & MAUDE (1971)
A story for outsiders as young man, slightly off-kilter Harold, falls in love with free-spirited octogenarian, Maude. It’s a wonderfully dark comedy full of brilliant scenes especially Harold’s fake “suicide” attempts. But the chemistry between Bud Cort and Ruth Gordon is really touching. Ruth Gordon proved in this and Rosemary’s Baby what a great actor she was.
SNOWTOWN (2011)
Your boyfriend or girlfriend are giving you the hump and you want to pump and dump them. What do you do? Sit them down while you watch this movie while sharpening your carving knife collection. You won’t see them for dust! Jokes aside this Aussie serial-killer movie is one of the darkest films I have seen in a long while. Brutal, grim and worst of all based on a true story.
EVIL DEAD (1981)
You go to a cabin in the woods hoping to get a bit of sugar from your girlfriend and accidentally raise a Canderian demon using the Book Of The Dead. Don’t you just hate it when that happens! I know I do!
LES DIABOLIQUES (1955)
Watch this French film and Psycho in a double bill and you’ll never ever go into the bathroom again. This is an absolute classic and they genuinely do not make them like this anymore. Mainly because it’s in black and white, oh, and it has a story, suspense, plot-twists and doesn’t rely on green-screen-CGI-Superhero-blowing-shit-up!
THE SKIN I LIVE IN (2011)
As retribution goes Antonio Banderas’ vendetta in this takes some beating. It’s a slow burner but the pay off is incredible as Pedro Almodovar movie combines: science-fiction, horror, melodrama, psychological torture etc. to create a date movie you won’t forget. Banderas is a revelation in a role which turns his usual romantic leading man status on its head as he seeks transformative revenge.
The Cinema Fix presents 