My blog strand of collating six of the best of something or other continues with a breeze through a series of disgusting, vile and horrific movies that it’s best not to watch while eating.
**CONTAINS SPOILERS & DISGUSTING IMAGES**
BRAINDEAD (1992)
Peter Jackson’s monstrous rom-zom-gore-fest is an utter joy from start to finish. A rabid monkey bite sets in motion a series of flesh-eating zombie attacks as carnage ensues with lawnmowers, death, intestines, blood and dog-eating mothers in 1950s New Zealand.
EVIL DEAD (1981)
Sam Raimi’s debut feature is a low-budget horror treat. But be warned as Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell) battles his friends and girlfriend — who all become demons — the bloodletting, decapitations and violent deaths are enough to put you off your pudding.
THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (2010)
We all like to connect with people socially but this film takes the cake. Watch and learn as an insane German scientist stitches two American tourists and a random Japanese bloke together. Both grim and hilarious at the same time and gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Eat shit and die!”
ICHI THE KILLER (2001)
The site of a man cutting off his own tongue is enough to have you reaching for the remote; as Takashi Miike’s off-the-wall-manga-gangster-mash-up really tests the boundaries of taste. My favourite image is a sliced face slamming and sliding down the wall following one particularly offensive fight scene.
RATS (2016)
Morgan Spurlock’s brutal documentary takes us on a whistle-stop tour of the globe visiting New York, Reading, Rajasthan, Cambodia and so on. Amidst the rat-catching, baiting and butchering we are also witness to scientific examination of rats. Most disgustingly the eating of rodents in Vietnam is considered a delicacy. Gross!
TRAINSPOTTING (1996)
While Irvine Welsh’s classic novel was a dark, violent, black-humoured yet grim portrayal of heroin addiction in Edinburgh; Danny Boyle’s adaptation entertainingly presents it as a fast-paced-rock-and-rolling-drug-lifestyle-sketch-show! Nevertheless, with scenes that involve: the dirtiest toilet in Scotland; Tommy’s toxoplasmosis squat death; and Spud’s shit being flung across the breakfast table, make this one to avoid while tucking into a Friday night curry with your partner.
TOP TWELVE BESTEST FILMS AND TV SHOWS OF 2016 – SCREENWASH SPECIAL BY PAUL LAIGHT
Well, here’s wishing you a prosperous New Year going forward! I’ve read somewhere that apparently 2016 wasn’t a vintage year for movies but I went to the cinema a lot and saw a whole host of cracking entertainment. Likewise, television budgets and production values continue to soar and there were some incredible shows produced too.
So, here are my TOP TWELVE films I saw at the cinema AND TOP TWELVE television shows watched/streamed. Some of the films and TV programmes may have bled from 2015 into 2016 release-wise; moreover, I have also included a couple of yet-to-be-released films I saw at the London Film Festival.
Remember dudes these are not necessarily the best films or shows but the ones I enjoyed the most. So, overall, it’s just my opinion, man.
TOP TWELVE FILMS SEEN AT THE CINEMA IN 2016 (in alphabetical order)
ARRIVAL (2016)
“. . .an intelligent and emotional science-fiction drama with a beautifully constructed narrative.”
BONE TOMAHAWK (2015)
“A tremendous genre-blend of horror and Western, this debut feature from S. Craig Zahler is destined to be a cult classic.”
CAPTAIN AMERICA 3: CIVIL WAR (2016)
“. . . again the Russo Brothers direct with whip-cracking pace and humour, making this easily one of the blockbusters of the year.”
DOCTOR STRANGE (2016)
“. . .wonderful fun with hallucinogenic visuals, eye-popping fight scenes plus mystical marvels!”
THE HATEFUL EIGHT (2015)
“. . . QT remakes Reservoir Dogs (1992) via Agatha Christie, setting it in the snowy West of America circa 1870s.”
MANCHESTER-BY-THE-SEA (2016)
“. . . heart-racking drama which stretches the emotions while also providing flickers of light amidst the pain.”
MEN AND CHICKEN (2015)
“. . . lurches from hilarious physical violence to examinations of religion and science in a film I can only describe as being like the Three Stooges meet The Island of Dr Moreau.”
THE NICE GUYS (2016)
“. . . pings a shaggy-dog narrative along at a cracking pace with a script filled with so many hilarious punchlines and sight gags.”
RAW (2016)
“. . . great horror film which has one of the most disgusting scenes I have had the pleasure to see for some time.”
THE REVENANT (2015)
“. . . just superb, grueling, bloody, epic and beautiful filmmaking!”
ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY (2016)
“. . . a rip roaring mission-in-space-war movie set just before the original Star Wars movie!”
ROOM (2015)
“. . . a film not just about isolation, abandonment and the horror of humanity; but also the unbridled love a mother has for their child.”
TOP TWELVE TV SHOWS SEEN IN 2016 (in alphabetical order)
BETTER CALL SAUL (2016) – SEASON 2
“Are there any better character drama shows around than this show? The writing and acting in Season 2 was just brilliant.”
BILLIONS (2016) – SEASON 1
“. . . great acting, script and cat-and-mouse twists galore in a meaty twelve episodes.”
DAREDEVIL (2016) – SEASON 2
“This has it all including: amazing fight scenes, bloody violence, rip-roaring action and hellish derring-do!”
FARGO (2015) – SEASON 2
“. . . drama, humour and suspense are incredible as is the cast.”
GAME OF THRONES (2016) – SEASON 6
“. . . these ten episodes were just a pacey, brutal, vicious, conniving, fiery, animalistic, blinding, cutting, resurrecting delight.”
GOMORRAH (2016) – SEASON 2
“. . . further brutality and skulduggery follows in a show which has a heart of pitch black darkness acted out like a contemporary reflection of the Roman Empire.”
IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA (2016) – SEASON 11
“. . . gags explode like fireworks throughout the series as things go south and very dark; more often than not ending in chaotic hilarity.”
MAKING A MURDERER (2015) – SEASON 1
“. . . It is as thrilling and suspenseful as anything Hitchcock created as the trials of these men and their families are thrust before us.”
PENNY DREADFUL (2016) – SEASON 3
“. . .a blindingly beautiful and bloody wondrous season as various narrative threads unfolded but then suddenly it was gone.”
SOUTH PARK (2016) – SEASON 20
“. . . yet another fantastically gross, satirical and ballsy animated series from Parker and Stone.”
STEWART LEE’S COMEDY VEHICLE (2016) – SEASON 4
“. . . Lee is a human anti-depressant lifting my spirits while at the same time making me think about the very nature of the subjects he tackles.”
WESTWORLD (2016) – SEASON 1
“Brilliant and exquisite Sci-fi-western-mash-up from Michael Crichton, Jonathan Nolan and Lisa Joy.”
WESTWORLD: POST-MAPPING THE NETWORK by PAUL LAIGHT
**CONTAINS MASSIVE SPOILERS**
THE INTRODUCTION
If you want safe and conventional and sensible then listen to ‘70s pop group the Nolan Sisters. If it’s complex, serpentine narratives and emotions then it’s the Nolan Brothers you want. In this piece I take a stab at simplifying the complex narrative machine that is Westworld – written, devised and directed (in part) by Jonathan Nolan and co-creator Lisa Joy. Of course, kudos goes to the originator Michael Crichton whose 1973 sci-fi classic this brilliant TV series is based on. For your information I have also reviewed the show here:
THE MAP
Why bother having a stab at mapping Westworld? Well, I think this is a show in which enjoyment can be derived from working out the puzzle, interpreting the maze or just simply seeing if the jigsaw pieces fit? I only have a degree in Film and a Masters in Screenwriting, rather than a PHD in meta-physics, but I decided it would at least be fun to try and make sense of it.
Firstly, I come from the understanding that this is meta-fiction. It is as much about people telling us stories about characters controlling the narrative of robots; androids who don’t know they are part of a bigger narrative. Moreover, you have to accept that at some point ALL or MOST of these are unreliable narrators and the stories were being re-written as we watched. I now understand this about the characters:
Everyone is a liar.
Neither dreams nor reality are to be trusted.
Anything can change from one episode to another.
Indeed, the creators of the show have taken great liberties using: programmed dreams, back stories, overlapping narratives, flashbacks, flash-forwards, time-slips, repetitive loops, parallel action from past and present, plus many, many more cinematic, televisual and literary tricks. Also to consider while watching are three main notions:
Who are hosts and who are human?
Who are the good characters and who are the bad?
Should we care about characters that are androids?
The last question was the one I struggled with most of all but from the hosts I picked Dolores and Teddy as they were the ones with, ironically, the most human emotions of love, romance and a desire to make a better life. But of course even this couple ultimately are murderous tools in the hands of their human creators. Likewise, Bernard is very sympathetic. He, arguably, has the biggest narrative turn of all when we discover he is in fact a simulacrum host and a pivotal pawn in Ford’s grand scheme.
For me there were a multitude of narrative strands in Westworld and for the final part of this piece I will list them for better understanding of the network. There is no specific order here as these storylines all overlapped but here goes. Safe to say there are MASSIVE SPOILERS!
THE NARRATIVES
Dr Robert Ford’s Grand Plan!
Dr Robert Ford – as portrayed by the majestic Anthony Hopkins – had a huge scheme from the start. I came to accept he was the God of Westworld and his plan was to defeat the corporate spies represented by Theresa Cullen (Sidse Knudsen), Charlotte Hale (Tessa Thompson), and in the last episode reveal, older William/Man in Black (Ed Harris). Feeling long-standing guilt because of the death of his partner Arnold, Ford’s mind has slowly warped and therefore he has programmed all the hosts to turn on the humans by the final thrilling cathartic finale. I accepted that Ford was a genius and that he had been planning this denouement for some time, thus, his programming and planning made everything happen in the end. This also conveniently covers any plot-holes in my mind.
The Corporate Sabotage Subplot! While Ford’s narrative is being written, behind the scenes, Theresa Cullen and subsequently Charlotte Hale are attempting to oust Ford and steal his network secrets. They do this initially via a modulated host but when he is discovered they plot to use one of the “retired” hosts in the basement to get the information out. Ford has been aware of the plot from the start as shown when he tells Bernard to kill Theresa and the subsequent finale when the hosts all turn on the Delos Corporation guests.
The Hosts in the Basement!
All old, malfunctioning or “retired” hosts were taken down to a dark basement never to be seen again. Many scenes played out amidst these naked, dusty android souls, and there was a sense they may come into play in this debut season. But, they remained an enigma most of the season until Charlotte Hale decided to utilise older Peter Abernathy to attempt to get Ford’s secrets out.
William, Teddy and Dolores “Love Triangle.”
Teddy and Dolores, as aforementioned, are two of the initially more sympathetic hosts. They have a genuine bond on all the narrative strands. When we first meet William (Jimmi Simpson) he is with the arsehole Logan (Ben Barnes) and quiet compared to his loutish, sex-addicted counterpart. William falls in love with Dolores and finds himself as a human; simultaneously developing a killer instinct too in the process. Confusion reigns because this storyline is a flashback and William is in fact a younger version of Ed Harris’ grizzled “Man in Black”.
“The Man in Black” narrative.
I ended up working out Man in Black/William stories were connected but some thirty-odd years apart. Even so when the reveal was delivered it was very satisfying. Ed Harris is initially introduced as a violent guest who has visited the park for many years and his arc involves his search for the “maze”. Ultimately, he is revealed to not only be older William, but the key shareholder on the Delos board. His, search for the maze was external and internal. It was also symbolic and translated as a personal odyssey by that of a warped, grieving man with a death wish. Overall, desiring the hosts to be real and a threat to his life heighten his park addiction and reveal him to be a very sick individual.
The Arnold/Bernard trajectory.
Arnold began popping up as a voice in the hosts’ head and then as the story moved along it was revealed he was in fact Ford’s business partner when the park was in its testing stage. Moreover, Arnold’s voice was their programming consciousness becoming sentient. Arnold basically wanted to destroy the park because he had become attached to the androids and did not want them to suffer the way he had. Plus, he was still grieving over the death of his son therefore emotionally disturbed, depressed and suicidal.
Ultimately it was Arnold’s work that Ford was completing thirty-five years on. In order to lift his guilt Ford also created Bernard in Arnold’s image so he would have his ‘friend’ close. Of course, Ford used Bernard to do his bidding such as kill Elsie and Theresa. The cruellest trick was to give Bernard the same memories as Arnold, notably the death of his young son. But as they say in the programme it’s the painful memories which make the androids more human.
Maeve’s nightmare!
Maeve’s (Thandie Newton) story reflected the Arnold/Bernard trajectory in that she lost a child in one incarnation and was haunted by this event in another. Indeed, the Man in Black gunned her child down and subsequently her programming went haywire. Ford reprogrammed her to become a prostitute but somewhere in her wiring the memories of her loss propelled her to become more violent.
Thus, having woken up in the technician’s laboratory downstairs she ventures on a devious plot to discover who and where she is. Of course, it wasn’t that simple because it turned out Maeve’s manipulation of her own intelligence and the Lab personnel; plus the recruitment of the badass hosts including Rodrigo Santoro’s bandit, was ALSO down to Ford. He had programmed her to attempt escape; well according the reanimated Bernard anyway.
Who the hell was Wyatt?
Wyatt arrived as a seemingly key park nemesis but was in fact a “McGuffin”; a false character and memory in Teddy’s narrative. Wyatt in fact was a combination of programme and actual memory; and was revealed to be Dolores because she killed Arnold and the rest of the hosts back in the day. Poor Delores, Teddy and Bernard are ultimately tragic “Frankenstein” monsters used to carry out the vicarious desires of their makers and Wyatt was an invention to mask past events.
CONCLUSION – INTERPRETING THE MAZE!
Of course there are still many unanswered strands from the first season and I have just touched on a few of the more obvious ones. Westworld is a maze where the entrance and exits are forever shifting. The story does not go in a straight line. It is circular and a circuit which comes round and back on itself. The whole show is like an Escher drawing with each storyline and strand seeming to end but then return on the other side of an episode.
I’m not saying my mapping of the maze tidies everything up because this isn’t a show with a nice linear narrative conclusion. Westworld is about the journey and getting lost in the maze is part of the fun. Jonathan Nolan and Lisa Joy deserve kudos for adapting Crichton’s masterwork into a pulsing organic machine which delivers scientifically, cereberally and emotionally.
In the third episode of this occasional strand I have decided to have a look at some good old cinema nut-jobs. This was precipitated by a recent watch of David Lynch’s classic Blue Velvet (1986) which features an incredible performance from Dennis Hopper as Frank Booth. He is, of course included here, along with five other movie loons.
**CONTAINS SPOILERS**
FRANK BOOTH – BLUE VELVET (1986) – DENNIS HOPPER
“Why are there people like Frank?” asks Kyle Maclachlan’s Jeffery Beaumont midway through David Lynch’s dark journey into the underbelly of small town America. Why indeed? We do not know why Frank is the way he is: he just is! The drugs, shouting, swearing, sado-masochistic and psycho-sexual violence stem from the dark recesses of Lynch’s imagination; while Hopper’s tour-de-force performance is chilling, scary and at times, inappropriately laugh-out-loud funny.
ANTON CHIGURH – NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN (2007) – JAVIER BARDEM
You’d have to be a person of the highest confidence or crazy insane to sport the haircut Chigurh/Bardem does in this wonderful Coen Brothers’ adaptation of the Cormac McCarthy’s neo-Western novel. Chigurh is not just a stone-cold killer but also one with a strange amoral compass and set of rules. Also, his reliance on chance and the flip of a coin as to whether someone lives or dies is even more scarier than the deadly bolt-gun he uses to dispatch his victims.
JACK TORRANCE – THE SHINING (1980) – JACK NICHOLSON
The slow demise of the isolated writer driven to kill by the demons of the past are brilliantly captured in Stanley Kubrick’s stylish and memorable Stephen King adaptation. Nicholson cornered the market on explosive larger-than-life masculine roles but here he was far more unhinged. His performance as Jack Torrance is both scary and funny, as writer’s block, the ghosts of the Overlook Hotel plus his own depression weld to send him over the edge and into lunacy and murder.
ASAMI YAMAZAKI – AUDITION – (1999) – EIHI SHIINA
To describe Asami as a nutter is a bit harsh on nutters really. Because, cutting your victims limbs, digits and tongues off, before placing them in a hessian sack is pretty extreme. A calm psychopath, Asami literally chills to the bone; however, her victims are carefully chosen men who she enacts tortuous revenge on for historical sexual abuse. This is a scary horror film that is both stomach-churning and thematically strong, delivering a damning indictment on the casting couch culture.
MAX CADY – CAPE FEAR (1991) – ROBERT DE NIRO
Robert Mitchum’s performance in the original Cape Fear (1962) deserves a mention, as does his powerhouse and menacing turn as Harry Powell in Night of the Hunter (1955); who almost made the list too. Nonetheless, DeNiro’s Cady is a marvellous cinematic creation rooted in pure bible-belt-Southern-preacher-avenging-devil-hatred. All muscles, tattoos and a sense of violent vengeance he pursues Sam Bowden (Nick Nolte) and his family with an insane zeal; terrorizing them with unforgettable physical, sexual and murderous threat.
ANNIE WILKES – MISERY (1990) – KATHY BATES
Here is another Stephen King loon for your consideration. Kathy Bates deservedly won an Oscar for her barnstorming performance as Annie Wilkes. She is a charismatic lunatic who takes the ‘I’m your number one fan’ maxim to the extreme; with a mania stemming from a skewed understanding of the world which is not helped by her seeming isolation. When James Caan’s author kills off her favourite literary character hell hath no fury like a mad-woman scorned! Carlsberg don’t do torture: but if they did!
To continue the My Cinematic Romance series of filmmakers, genres, actors who I absolutely love, I give you my praise to composer Carter Burwell. His soundtracks are usually SO good I can watch a film that I don’t even like if it has Burwell’s music. He has a knack of not only capturing the emotion of the characters and story but also being intelligent; using the genre and style of the film to infuse the soundtrack.
Burwell has provided the score to many films including: Conspiracy Theory (1997), Hamlet (2000), The Spanish Prisoner (1997), Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead (2007), The Blind Side (2009), Rob Roy (1995), The Chamber (1996), Being John Malkovich (1999) Gods and Monsters (1998), This Boy’s Life (1993), Wayne’s World 2 (1993), Airheads (1994), Before Night Falls (2000), A Knight’s Tale (2001), Intolerable Cruelty (2003), The Alamo (2004), Legend (2015), The Kids Are Alright (2010), Mr Holmes (2015), Hail Caesar (2016), No Country For Old Men (2007) etc.
I don’t know much about music, other than playing the guitar to a very average level; however, I know what I like. And I love Carter Burwell. Moreover, having worked consistently in all kinds of genres from big Hollywood productions to auteurs’ and arty films, Burwell is held in the highest regard within the industry. Esteemed filmmakers like: Spike Jonze, Charlie Kaufmann, Todd Haynes, David O. Russell and the Coen Brothers have all employed his fine musical abilities. Thus, here are seven breathtaking compositions which really stand out. Indeed, his work with the Coen Brothers is legendary so I have limited those choices to just two films; just to make the piece more of a challenge.
CAROL (2015) – TODD HAYNES
Burwell finally won a well-deserved Oscar for this beautifully constructed score. It captures perfectly the emotion and period and the light and dark of this “forbidden” fifties romance story.
FARGO (1996) – THE COENS
As the music rises to crescendo the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. The mood and atmosphere are literally chilling. When I see this I think of snow, cold, blood and murder.
THE GENERAL’S DAUGHTER (1999)
While this army-police procedural drama is not a classic the music is haunting and beautiful adding a fragile counterpoint to the violent nature of the content.
IN BRUGES (2006)
Burwell does death exceedingly well. This score is less orchestral with a pared down piano and cello to the fore, prior to launching into an alt-rock guitar sound. The notes skip and rip about giving us a dark insight and backing to the off-centre characters and setting.
MILLERS CROSSING (1990)
This lyrical Irish-tinged score is another beautiful score. While the Coens’ superb gangster drama had its fair share of blood, the music pushes against the grain somewhat providing light and uplift amidst the plotting, double-crosses and chaos.
THE FINEST HOURS (2016)
This Disney disaster movie set in the 1950s is a very watchable human drama sensitively directed by Craig Gillespie. It flopped at the box office, yet as soon as I heard the score I knew it was Burwell. This is epic music of the highest order for a film which deserved a bigger audience.
TWILIGHT (2008)
I haven’t seen any of these films although I know the Twilight saga is a cultural phenomenon. Yet, I found this piece called Bella’s Lullaby on YouTube and it is just exquisite; it even makes me want to watch the films!
Another indulgent look back on works of yesteryear and Fix Films 4th short movie was a cheeky comedic chamber piece starring two excellent actors Chris Crocker and Phil Wolff. Technically speaking it’s very lo-fi with basic sound, natural lighting and a simple story of two cops on a stakeout chewing the fat over a possible adultery. In some ways it is more of a first draft film demo and was not intended for festivals and competitions. However, there is much to enjoy.
“And you wanted to extend that bone to her sister.” – JACK
Our intention was not to make another short as Gary was in the midst of post-production on Elephant Trunk (2008), but for reasons which elude me that was taking a while. Then we needed some urgent dialogue re-recorded with Chris, thus, I came up with the idea of shooting a quick short over a few hours AND getting the dialogue done at the same time. My flatmate had just moved out too so I had a free room too.
The idea came from an internet story which was doing the email rounds in the office and was called The Love Test. The characters are clearly archetypes seen on a thousand cops and robber shows but as I say we were going for direct and simple here. Phil played Jack, a jaded older cop who “coaches” the younger more sensitive Chris on the nature of what is or isn’t infidelity. Safe to say his advice isn’t particularly sage-like. This, the opposition of the characters and chemistry between the two actors is what drives the comedy.
“Love is natures’ way of conning you into the act of pro-creation!” – JACK
Looking back it’s certainly a funny script with great performances from Chris and Phil and it shows that with a couple of decent actors, some funny characters and a single room you can make something worthwhile. I had a lot of fun writing and filming this with the director Gary and cast. What it lacks in technical gloss it makes up with in humour, performance and some humorous lines. Here is the film:
20 YEARS OF SOUTH PARK – TWENTY GREAT TV & MOVIE-BASED PARODIES!
South Park, incredibly, has been going for 20 years now! Yet, up until 2013 I had only watched a handful of episodes of the irreverent and scurrilous animated show. Since then, however, I have caught up and it has become one of my favourite ever TV programmes. As such any new season of Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s potty-mouthed satire is usually a highlight of my cultural year.
South Park is more than just a crude animated show now; it is a socio-political tour-de-force which spikes sacred cultural cows and pokes fun at the ridiculous nature of the world; the rich and famous; and the political and religious and social leaders who profess to run the place. It also features some wonderful, bizarre and astute characters who are utilised to reflect society and our modern and post-modern times.
South Park featured on my blog a few times. My review of Season 19 can be found here:
Plus, my favourite episodes up to Season 17 can also be found HERE:
Furthermore, to celebrate this legendary show I have listed twenty TV and movie inspired parodies that have featured over the years.
**CONTAINS SPOILERS**
24 – The Snuke – Season 11
South Park rip into general racial intolerance and over-the-top attitudes to terrorism as Hillary Clinton is found to have a snuke in her snizz!
BUCK ROGERS IN THE 21st CENTURY – Go God Go XII – Season 10
The ever-impatient Cartman somehow freezes himself and wakes up in 2546 as a war wages between two atheist factions including futuristic talking Otters.
DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER – Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy – Season 10
Cartman becomes a hall monitor and the authoritah goes to his head; meting out Dog-style justice with hilarious consequences!
GODZILLA – Mecha-Streisand – Season 1 + Season 14
Evil Streisand gets roasted with SP turning the diva into a Mecha-Godzilla-like monster who tortures people with her singing and monstrous demands.
GAME OF THRONES – Black Friday/Song of Ass & Fire/Titties & Dragons – Season 17
HBO’s classic show was brilliantly parodied over three wonderful episodes. Here they satirize Black Friday hysteria as Cartman plots to get ahead in the PS4/XBOX one console war.
INCEPTION – Insheeption – Season 11
Christopher Nolan’s mind-bending heist thriller gets slammed for the pseudo-intellectual plot which involves: Stan’s hoarding problem and a dark event in Mr Mackey’s childhood.
JAMES CAMERON – Raising the Bar – Season 16
This episode won an Emmy as it brilliantly made fun of egomaniac filmmaker Cameron, and the trailer-trash child monstrosity Honey Boo-Boo!
JERSEY SHORE – It’s a Jersey Thing – Season 14
Narcissistic New Jersey reality show “contestants” get the South Park treatment which also reveals a darker side to Kyle’s background. “Snooki wants smoosh-smoosh!”
LORD OF THE RINGS – The Return of Lord of the Rings to the Two Towers – Season 6
The kids go on a quest to return a video but are pursued by dark factions when a porno gets given to them by mistake. Butters as Gollum is just one of the stand-out elements here!
MEL GIBSON/PASSION OF THE CHRIST – The Passion of the Jew – Season 8
Gibson gets roasted to hell in this episode with enough chutzpah to offend everyone. Cartman goes uber-Nazi as Kyle’s interest in Judaism is explored in a typically crazy way.
ROB SCHNEIDER – The Biggest Douche in the Universe – Season 6
Z-movie actor Rob Schneider gets ripped apart in this episode which also slams “psychic” douche John Edward. “Rob Schneider is the carrot!”
RUSSELL CROWE – The New Terrance and Philip Trailer – Season 6
Antipodean acting heavyweight Russell Crowe is shown to be an aggressive and drunk rover travelling round the world drinking and fighting everyone.
SCARFACE – Medicinal Fried Chicken – Season 14
Randy takes advantage of a cancer “loophole” to grow enormous balls so he can smoke marijuana; while Cartman gets high too – but on his own KFC supply.
THE SHINING – A Nightmare on Face Time – Season 16
Randy opens up a Blockbuster store without taking into account the new-fangled online streaming sites. It’s not long before he becomes a haunted man!
SUPERHERO FILMS/COMICS – The Coon Trilogy – Season 14
Cartman is the Coon as he and his “friends” Mysterion, Mint-Berry Crunch, Iron Maiden etc. battle crime, then each other in a parody of comic-book and super-hero films.
SUPERNANNY – Tsst – Season 10
The plethora of reality shows involving kids and pets deservedly get a pasting as Cartman’s mum calls in all kinds of ‘experts’ to try and tame her out-of-control son.
THE TERMINATOR – Trapper Keeper – Season 4
Cartman’s Dawson’s Creek uber-school folder becomes sentient and turns him into a monstrous cybernetic organism that wreaks havoc on the town.
TOM CRUISE – Trapped in the Closet – Season 9
Tom Cruise and Scientology get the scathing boot stuck into them, in an episode which is rarely seen in the UK but can be found online somewhere in cyber-space.
TRON – You Have 0 Friends – Season 14
Battling the banality of social media and techno-fears has rarely been so fun, as Stan, in Tron-style, is somehow dragged into Facebook when he tries to quit it.
WORLD OF WARCRAFT – Make Love, Not Warcraft – Season 10
In one of the best episodes ever the boys all fall foul of an online ‘Reaper’ on Warcraft and set about defeating him with the help of Bengay and “having NO life”!
2016 BFI LONDON FILM FESTIVAL – MANCHESTER BY-THE-SEA (2016)
SPOILER FREE REVIEW
TITLE: MANCHESTER BY-THE-SEA (2016)
DIRECTOR: Kenneth Lonergan (You Can Count on Me (2000)
SCREENPLAY: Kenneth Lonergan (Analyze This (1999), Gangs of New York (2002)
CAST: Casey Affleck, Michelle Williams, Kyle Chandler, Lucas Hedges etc.
STORY: A distant and emotionally disconnected man must face family and friends following the death of his brother.
REVIEW:
Kenneth Lonergan, Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams should take a very long bow for their writing, directing and acting work in this moving and emotional, yet at the same time, humorous character drama.
Casey Affleck plays a seemingly unassuming handyman who buries anger and despair deep within his heart. Initially, he seems passive, yet during his interactions with one of his customers and during a bar brawl he reveals a volcanic tension simmering under the surface of his psyche. When his older brother passes away he returns to Manchester-by-the-Sea in Massachusetts and is forced to confront past tragedies plus take care of his brothers’ estate and teenage nephew.
This is one of those films which moves at its’ own pace and in scenes of quiet drama, sporadic violence and subtle flashbacks, Lonergan builds a truly formidable narrative and character study. Moreover, Affleck portrays a lost soul with such exquisite pathos you could feel his characters’ pain jump out from the screen. His scenes with Michelle Williams genuinely made me want to cry because they were so sad.
Ultimately, this is Affleck’s film as he haunts the screen with a truly award-winning performance. As well as the dark drama there are many witty lines and scenes too in what is one of the best films I have seen in 2016. If you prefer your films as real and raw as possible and are happy to experience a few hours without explosions or special effects, then watch this everyday story of humans trying to cope with their past, present and future existence.
Following on from listing six of my favourite British sitcom episodes recently, I thought I’d have a bit of fun venting about some of the most irritating characters I have witnessed on film or TV screen. I mean did the writers intend for them to be annoying pricks or was it the actor or direction or performance or all of the above? Anyway, whatever the weather, its great fun kicking the boot into these annoying arseholes!
**SPOILERS AHEAD**
ALL THE KIDS (EXCEPT CHARLIE) – WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (1971)
I’ll ignore the Tim Burton version of this story and concentrate on the original adaptation of Roald Dahl’s classic morality adventure. If you don’t know the story a reclusive sweet-maker lures kids to his factory on the promise of a “golden ticket” competition win. There’s Teutonic glutton Augustus Gloop; weirdo TV addict Mike Teevee; demanding, harpy-bitch Veruca Salt, upper-class, gum-maniac Violet Beauregarde and finally humble Charlie Bucket. Each kid, Charlie aside, is a spoilt bastard and each satisfactorily gets their just desserts, as Dahl’s fantasy punishes the rich and greedy ones to maximum audience delight.
FERGEE – JUDGE DREDD (1995)
I could basically include ANY character portrayed by Rob Schneider but I reserve special hatred for this monstrosity. I mean the film Judge Dredd was pretty bad, however, the action and design were bearable and Stallone – despite removing the protective mask – was kind of okay. YET the tone of the film was all over the shop! None more so than when acting cyst Rob Schneider pops up as an unofficial comedy sidekick for Dredd. Yeah – like that was a staple of the cynical, dystopian and violent world the 2000AD comic was known for right! No, I didn’t think so! Morons!
JAR JAR BINKS – STAR WARS: PHANTOM MENACE etc. (1999)
Jar Jar, let’s face it, is an obvious choice but he is a complete cunt! The worst crime is, as the comic relief, he is NOT funny!! Moreover, his accent is unintelligible and he suffers from looking completely stupid. The Phantom Menace (1999), while having some fantastic actors (Liam Neeson, Natalie Portman and Ewan McGregor), great action and superior baddie in Darth Maul, was let down by plodding plot, soggy politics and dreadful dialogue. Yet, Jar Jar Binks was the rancid cherry on top of a rotten cake. Not only that his character was also portrayed in an abominably stereotypical fashion seeming to echo the racist early-Hollywood representations of black characters that were seen as un-heroic, dumb and figures of scorn or fun.
JOFFREY BARATHEON – GAME OF THRONES (2011 – 2014)
The prostitute-murdering-Sean-Bean-killing-bullying-maniac-twat was clearly intended to be the pantomime villain we loved to hate from the start. But, like Malfoy from Harry Potter his character and the slimy performance from Jack Gleeson, he, for me eventually became a character I just hated without any enjoyment. I mean, I know he was sadistic in his treatment of Sansa Stark and mocking of Tyrion but he was also a bottle-job when it came to battle, perfectly encapsulating the worst kind of royal family traits. Moreover, Gleeson’s soulless face, clipped speech and acting on its’ own made me want to drag him out of the television and strangle him. Of course, Joffrey would eventually get poisoned at his own wedding and much joy was had from his demise from pretty much everyone who has ever watched the show.
RUBY RHOD – THE 5th ELEMENT
Luc Besson’s imaginative and colourful sci-fi-action epic had much to enjoy, notably: the performances of Milla Jovovich’s innocent alien, Bruce Willis’ cynical taxi driver and Gary Oldman’s terrific pantomime space villain. The action comes thick and fast and the production is a joy to watch. However, just over halfway through Chris Tucker’s performance of media whore Ruby Rhod takes a massive shit on the film; one it almost never recovers from. I mean, he’s loud, high-pitched, ridiculously dressed and THINKS HE’S FUNNY! What was Besson thinking – who knows!? Even in an over-the-top-colour-clashed-sci-fi-action-romance-extravaganza Ruby Rhod was a stain and travesty of a character!
WHITNEY SOLLOWAY – THE AFFAIR (2014 – )
Clearly this spoilt upper-middle-class New York teenager was intended by the writers to be a right royal pain in the arse. She throws sweet-sixteen tantrums of the highest order throughout and her nasally high-pitched voice grated me so much that I actually stopped watching the show during the second season. While the actress Julia Goldani Telles performance is excellent, the character was just too manipulative and psychotic to ever get my sympathy. Even amidst a whole host of privileged, narcissistic first-worlders Whitney Solloway took the biscuit and in the end I hated her so much I wished she’d been killed to death!
CHANCE ENCOUNTER: A STAR TREK FAN PRODUCTION – LATEST UPDATES
If you didn’t know from reading my blog, as well as writing film articles and reviews for fun, I also write and produce short films. My short film production website can be found at: www.fixfilms.co.uk.
Our 9th and latest short film is a Star Trek fan production which contains a wholly original story; a romance full of pathos and philosophical drama. Our aim was not to copy characters and space species such as: Kirk, Picard, Spock, Riker, Romulans, the Borg, Bones and Scotty etc. but to create our own set of characters within the Universe. This is a low-budget and affectionate homage to the Star Trek universe and not an attempt to parody or take the piss basically.
Currently we are in the midst of the production and it is going really well. So, if you’re interested please check out our latest updates below. Our thanks once again to the www.kickstarter.com folks who contributed the budget for the film.
Hope you enjoy some of the latest updates:
Star Trek and all related marks, logos and characters are solely owned by CBS Studios Inc. This fan production is not endorsed by, sponsored by, nor affiliated with CBS, Paramount Pictures, or any other Star Trek franchise, and is a non-commercial fan-made film intended for recreational use. No commercial exhibition or distribution is permitted. No alleged independent rights will be asserted against CBS or Paramount Pictures.
The Cinema Fix presents 